Content Jurassic Park  
It is well that we assemble from time to time for a communal celebration of the life of the mind and to take stock of ourselves as service providers to those young women and men, our clients, who leave our care to become the change agents of tomorrow’s world. That is our privileged mission—to steer human affairs toward the good by producing quality assured change agents. And we may contemplate with satisfaction the success of Griffith humanities in that noble endeavour, for in its brief history it has grown from a small colony of pioneers in a hostile environment—I call it Jurassic Park--to a confident corporate giant of the education sector. Thanks to our collective effort, the monsters have been caged, without protest from animal liberationists, and public life has stabilized around responsible reform.

As I am among the dwindling band who have participated from the beginning, you will expect from me, as we bid one another farewell, some account of the growth and flourishing of our common mission.

We are called to ponder the question: what are intellectuals for? What ought thinking things to think about? In short, whither are we whithering? The question is timely because curricula and research are increasingly driven by market forces rather than the internal movement of critical reflexivity. And as we all know, the Office of Human Resources has asked us draw up a plan for assuring the quality of critical reflexivity. These are the challenges that we must meet.

Now the common narrative instructs that we have whithered from modernity to postmodernity, from certainty of purpose and confidence of our knowledge to ambiguity of purpose and uncertainty about the very idea of knowledge. What began as a long overdue self-reflexive critique of Enlightenment dogmatism now saps the strength of thinking to the point that we have become dependent on thought managers for sign-posting the path of wholesome thought through the brambles of error and incorrect thinking. As a last service to you my colleagues, it is fitting that I should bequeath a message of hope and good cheer by telling you the intimate history of my journey to enlightenment.

Consider first the name. Hiram—is it not unusual? From whence does it come? I am named after Hiram Abif, who is the central figure in Masonic legend. My father, grandfather, and great grandfather were all Freemasons, and I am the third of the Hirams. The genealogy hints that the third Hiram was intended by Destiny for some high purpose. But what?

Masons are a fraternal association whose purposes are fellowship, character-building, and insider trading, and who engage in dubious sports such as dwarf-throwing. Among Papists they are also reputed to be a secret society promoting equality and fraternity. This reputation, my friends, is deserved. The Masons rank with the Society of Jesus and the Bolsheviks as the most influential conspiratorial societies of modern times. Indeed, some say that the Masons are only left-wing Jesuits, and the Bolsheviks are just left-wing Masons. This opinion makes for a deeply satisfying conspectus on modernity, since it shows that everything is connected in a seamless interface. Alas it is a fable.

The truth was recently disclosed by my English brothers, Christopher Knight and Robert Lomas in the book, The Hiram Key. Their researches confirm that Hiram is indeed the key to all locks. Without this book, my narrative would seem merely a fanciful tale. But the moment for full disclosure has arrived.

To turn the key that fits all knowledge locks, we must banish the error that Masonry sprang from the cathedral builders of the middle ages. No. The origin of Masonry is the Order of Knights Templar, whose charter was granted in 1128 by Pope Honarius II. Their cover story was that they headquartered in Jerusalem to protect pilgrims. And indeed the Knights were redoubtable warriors, as Saracen chronicles testify.

However, their actual mission was to find the Holy Grail. Yes, the Holy Grail. You are incredulous. Let me then remind you of Umberto Eco’s allegorical masterpiece, Foucault’s Pendulum, which is about this self-same quest for the Holy Grail.

The Grail was believed to be buried in a secret vault under the ruins of Herod’s temple. It was there that the Knights Templar excavated. The masonic symbols of compass and square memorialize those digs. In addition to finding much treasure, which made them rich and famous, the Knights found something far more precious still--ancient manuscripts that preserved the wisdom of Egypt. These manuscripts derive from Hiram Abif, the Phoenician king who built Solomon’s temple. The manuscripts contain the secrets of kingship, or as we call it today, management. Now rogue elements of Solomon’s court, knowing how much their master loved wisdom, thought they would please him by presenting him with Hiram’s precious manuscripts. These rogue elements penetrated King Hiram’s security using the treacherous methods deployed to this day by Zionists. However, even under extreme interrogation Hiram would not reveal the secrets nor disclose the whereabouts of the ancient manuscripts. His steadfast guardianship of knowledge, even unto death, is the reason why Hiram is the hero of Masonic legend. Of course the failure of Israeli agents to obtain Hiram’s secrets is the reason why the subsequent history of the chosen people is so often a tale of woe.

The discovery of the secrets of management entirely changed the purpose of the Knights Templar. They now understood that the Holy Grail was not tableware; the Grail was but a metaphor for the most precious knowledge, how to build character and promote social justice. Thus did the Templars become social constructionists. Their mission was the preservation, transmission, and augmentation of the ancient secrets until such time as they should blossom into full-blown management science that would redeem humanity.

Unfortunately, a double agent penetrated Templar security and confirmed ecclesiastical suspicions of their heresy. The mole reported that Templars denied resurrection and taught the transmigration of souls. Accordingly, on Friday October 13, 1307, the Templars were massacred at Anjou on the order of King Philip of France and the Order was dissolved by the Pope. Templars who escaped the dragnet went under deep cover, and four centuries later established the first Freemason lodge in London, to resist the Jesuit-led counter-reformation.

The connection of Hiram Caton III with the Knights Templar quest for the Holy Grail will now be obvious. The Hiram who dwells among you is the reincarnation of Hiram Abif. This is a staggering thought. For years I sought to deny it. It means that I have been on the path of enlightenment not for a lifetime but for three millennia, which explains why my feet are chronically sore. But as the reincarnation of Hiram Abif, it is now my duty and high privilege to reveal the secrets of kingship.

The seal of secrecy has been lifted because the science of management has been perfected by the worshipful company of Masons and is ripe for implementation. The completion date is significant because we are but two years and 27 days from the new millenium. It has been vouchsafed to me to say to you my companions in knowledge, here today, that a glorious new world is about to begin. The burdens under which you presently labour, the gloom of postmodern despair, will be lifted from your shoulders, and indeed from the shoulders of all humankind.

The secrets are comprised of seven pillars and 39 columns of wisdom. You will not expect a full account of them today. They will soon be published in their entirely under the title, Human Destiny Revealed. I will reveal now just a few crucial secrets.

Pillar Two, on industrial relations, is a suitable introduction because you will recognise its truth from your own recent experience. The Pillar states: restructure every five years. The Pharonic original of this dictum bid a restructure every century, but the rate of social change requires a much shorter interval.

Pillar Four, on cultural policy, states: provide the masses plenty of bread, circuses, and music. The practices flowing from this pillar have spread greatly in recent years thanks to the efforts of members of our worshipful society, among whom are numbered Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg, and Jeff Kennet.

You are keen to know, I am sure, the secret teaching on gender. I tremble to tell you because minds not yet prepared for the whole truth could be shocked, and lose courage. I will therefore leave it at hint by saying that the truth is hidden in the myth of the androgyne.

I hasten to the culminating wisdom, Pillar Seven. Carved on the pillar, in Celtic script is the dictum: the speed of light is variable. I say again: the speed of light is variable. Of course you are bewildered. You are not alone. For centuries, indeed millennia, the learned of our worshipful company struggled to interpret. Among these learned was Sir Isaac Newton, master of the London Lodge. He disbelieved it, and stated the received view that the speed of light is constant. Note well that the whole edifice of modern science assumes Newton’s postulate. If the velocity of light is variable, our entire world-view, our sense of the place of humankind in the universe, is wrong, drastically wrong. It means, for example, that cosmic distances are much less than current estimates, and travel between galaxies would not require eons of time nor would relativity theory be burdened with the paradoxes of time dilation and space contraction. It means that we humans are not necessarily alone in the universe and that the objects popularly known as UFOs could indeed be the vehicles of creatures from other worlds. It means that popular culture, which firmly believes in ETs, may be right and that governments and intellectuals who deride them wrong.

As Hiram Abif, it was my duty to solve this most puzzling of puzzles. I consulted Brother Steven Spielberg, whose films do so much to guide the masses to enlightenment. Steven arranged an interview with Cal Tech astrophysist Halton Arp, who advises on his films. During this interview, Brother Halton—for he too is a Freemason—revealed to me his proof that the velocity of light is indeed variable.

From thence it was then but a few short steps to the final enlightenment.

The wisdom of Egypt, which the Knights Templar and Masons preserved amidst the brutality of Jurassic Park with so great sacrifice, is not of human origin. It is the legacy of the Cornucopians, whose original place is the planet Cornucopia in the star cluster Aquarius. These extra-terrestials built the pyramids as silent testimony to superhuman wisdom, and vouchsafed the secrets of kingship to Pharoah Sequenenre Tao II in the year 3111 BC. The sacred texts contain the prophecy that when a mortal shall riddle the secret of the Seventh Pillar, the Cornucopians will make their second entry into human history.

It is my high privilege to tell you my friends and colleagues that the Cornucopians will land on ANZAC Parade in Canberra precisely on the stroke of midnight on the last day of 1999. Indeed, my mission in Australia culminates in this announcement. The Cornucopians will promptly demonstrate their superior management science by reconciling land rights with pastoral leases. They will patch the hole in the ozone layer, soften the hearts of fundamentalists, resolve the conflict in Northern Ireland and bring in the Republic. All free of charge. All without any bloodshed.

But their greatest gift is to the intellectual part of our nature. Consider cyberspace. We have all experienced the thrill of journies through these geometries of knowledge. What is the satisfaction? It is, you will agree, the joy of TRANSPARENCY. The clouds of doubt, the hesitations of ambiguity, the snares of mental conflict, are dispelled by vivid, animated displays of pure unvarnished truth. My esteemed brother Bill Gates has granted me a sneak preview of the cyberspace about to be inaugurated by the Cornucopians. It is, my friends, a scene of ecstatic grandeur, more than worthy of all the Eurekas shouted by inquiring minds hitherto. For the coming cyberspace is the collective mind of the entire universe; minds from many galaxies united in one great throbbing, buzzing, pulsing organ of TRUTH. From the first day of the new millennium, you, I, everyone will be able to upload our minds into cyberspace, and enjoy the stupendous delights of total enlightenment.

Postmodern depression will of course immediately disappear. So will the arduous path to enlightenment. There will be no need for faith that knowledge lies at the end of the journey. The distinction between mentor and disciple, between teacher and student, vanishes. Indeed education as known hitherto will continue to exist only as a multimedia archive documenting the pre-Cornucopian era. Its replacement is the Virtual University, whose campus is the whole universe, and whose faculty are the sum of all uploaded minds. A new age of joy in knowledge, the era of edutainment will commence. That is the true meaning of the Age of Aquarius.

Thus the intimate history of Hiram Caton, aka Hiram Abif, reaches its conclusion. My labors are at an end. I take leave of you for now, but will soon welcome you to the ranks of superannuated scholars and teachers. Let us rejoice together that the old university is dead. Long live the virtual university!



© 2008